Priorities

My boyfriend is an animator. He is also a work-a-holic. He has a full time job, but he also takes on lots of freelance work illustrating children's books. He almost always has some project on the side that he is working on. He has spent the last 3 Christmas vacations in a row doing freelance work.

Right now he is at the end of one doozie of a project. Last night he pulled an all-nighter. I worry about him. I worry about his health. He can't go on treating his body like that and expect to live a very long healthy life. He gets so stressed. Not only that, but I pretty much only get to see the back of his head in front of a computer screen for months at a time whenever he's doing these extra jobs. It sucks.

This morning, a few hours after he texted me to tell me that he was finally going to bed (at 6:00 AM), he told me that he had gotten an offer to do character design on a new project that he was really excited about. But he was torn because he still wasn't done with the project he was currently working on, and he wasn't sure he'd have the strength to do it. The project's director is a good friend of his, he really respects the studio he'd be working with, and the cartoon was created by an artist he really likes.

You know, I'm a performer. I understand what it's like when someone offers you a project like that. It's hard to say no. You feel like this opportunity may never come your way again. That you must take it now! Even if that means that you won't sleep for the next 2 months, and your girlfriend and son will only catch glimpses of you when you have completely worn yourself out from working so hard, and you have to take a break or your eyeballs will pop out. I understand that. I really do. But I am a girlfriend who is jealous of the time my boyfriend spends working on that second job. I would like more free time with him, and it really got me thinking about balance and priorities.

In my quest for wisdom I, of course, turned to Facebook. I asked my 599 friends: "...what order of priority do you think these 4 things go in: self, child, work, partner?" I got such a variety of answers. It was actually very interesting. Lots of people put self first, which is often what we're taught growing up in America, I think. Just like they say on the airplane, you have to put on your breathing apparatus, then the child's.

Some people said the child came first, but it really depended on how old that child was. The younger they were, the higher on the priority list they seemed to go.

One person tried to justify that his partner gets much better quality time, while his work gets much greater quantity of time. That really made me think. I mean, that is how most of us are, but perhaps that behavior doesn't really line up with our true values. I think if you ask most people, they will say that their partner is much more important to them than their job is. But, if that's the case, then why do most of us end up spending 8 hours a day at work and only 4 of our waking hours at home with our partners? Why is our society like that? Are there places on the planet that are different? What would that be like?

One person said that self and partner were equally important, an answer I think that only could have come from a woman. The female brain is wired to multi-task. Someone told me once that women put their love at the center of their world and their life has to fit in around it, and that men put their life at the center of their world and love has to fit in around it. I'm still trying to assess whether or not that is true, but so far I think it is. It's a fundamental perception of the world and organization of priorities that should really be evaluated as you attempt to solve problems with a member of the opposite sex.

A couple of people put partner before child, which I thought was very interesting, and I think I agree with. I believe that one of the greatest gifts you can give your child is two parents that love each other. In order to maintain that relationship, I think you really do have to make a conscious effort to put your partner's needs above the child sometimes. Otherwise, your relationship will whither and die.

Really, I think that it's a trick question, though. Any one of these things is so important that none can ever be neglected without bringing unbalance, and therefore, dissatisfaction into your life. You have to pay attention to all of them, with all of yourself, at all times, ("... and in all things, and in all places, as we strive to live the young women values.") It's an impossible juggling game that we are all trying to navigate on a moment to moment basis.

You can't neglect your child, or you are a bad parent. They might get hurt, or grow up ignorant and with bad manners. You can't neglect your partner, or they will leave you, or even worse, walk around the house treating you with disdain for years on end. You can't neglect your job, or they will fire you, and then you will have no place to live, and no food to eat, and as a result, Child Services will take away your kids. And you can't neglect yourself, or your partner will not want to be with you because you are stinky, your kids will not want to be around you because you drink too much, and you will get fired from your job, because someone younger and skinnier and more rested will do the same thing you can do for less money.

So, it's a trick question. You have to find balance between them all. Your children, your partner, your job and yourself. If you are not taking time out of your life for all of them, then you must stop, take a deep breath, and re-evaluate. Otherwise, Life will show you, and you don't want that, because Life's a bitch, and she'll make it hurt.